Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

3 Surprising Reasons You Need To Learn To Listen

Written by Les Dahl on June 15th, 2016. Posted in Sage's Scroll




After an intensive 2-month study, Professor Paul Rankin of Ohio State University reported that 70% of the waking day involved interpersonal communication.

Of that chunk of time,

  • 45% was spent listening
  • 30% involved speaking
  • 16% was engaged in writing
  • 9% was occupied reading. 

That was 1939 and those were college students. Has much changed since then?

Despite the explosion of technology and information, human nature and the basic human needs have changed very little, if at all. Communication is still a major part of our life and listening remains the cornerstone. 

The often-touted benefits of listening are:

  • builds relationships
  • reduces mistakes and misunderstandings
  • resolves conflicts
  • less wasted time
  • saves money.

Those are plausible results, but consider these “surprising” benefits.


1.  Good listening habits earn respect

A sure way to gain respect is to be a good listener. By listening attentively, genuinely and consistently, you show you value people. In return, they will respect you, pay attention when you have something to say, welcome your ideas and look for your feedback.

"One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.”

(Bryant H. McGill)



2.  With good listening habits you understand

“Faking attention” as one of the worst and most frequently deployed listening habits. Sometimes it is intentional—we’re simply bored. At other times, our mind ‘plays tricks’.

Researchers say our brains are capable of processing 500 words per minute. We can communicate at 250 words per minute. (The average is between 150-200 words.)

Imagine this scenario.

You are in a conversation with a friend. You’re excited about the topic and talking at full speed—250 wpm (words per minute).

They seem to be listening, but something does’t feel right.

Reality check. Your friend’s mind is racing at somewhere between 400 - 500 wpm. You’re speaking at 250 wpm. What do you suppose their mind is doing with the ‘empty mental space’?

That’s right. It’s wandering into daydreams or wrestling with worries lurking in the shadow of their mental landscape. How much do they actually hear? and understand?

Hearing is easy, listening is hard work. Few people refine their listening skills to not only hear but actually understand what is being said. This select few are successful. 

The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.

(Dr. Ralph Nichols)



3.  With good listening habits you learn

(a) You learn things about people.

Knowing about human nature and behavior helps you navigate around hidden shoals—weaknesses, character flaws, personality quirks—that can shipwreck friendship. You learn where open channels of communication flow and move relationships forward.  You learn where and how to ‘dock’ your ideas—say what you really want to say without being misunderstood.

Armed with this knowledge, you communicate with greater success. You don’t take everything personally. You hear people out. You even learn how to agree to disagree.

A good listener tries to understand what the other person is saying. In the end he may disagree sharply, but because he disagrees, he wants to know exactly what it is he is disagreeing with.

(Kenneth A. Wells)


(b) You learn how the people think.

As you listen, you learn how your friend thinks. It’s like discovering their operating system—Windows 10 or MacAir.

Once you know how their mind is programmed, you can ‘synchronize’ your interaction, make necessary adjustments and communicate in a ‘compatible format’. The results are positive and rewarding. 

Listening well and answering well is one of the greatest perfections that can be obtained in conversation.

(Francois De La Rochefoucauld)


(c) You gain knowledge you didn’t have before.

Useful bits of information and nuggets of wisdom are gained with keen listening. Sometimes these gems are hidden in people you least expect. Never underestimate anyone. The janitor or the waitress may have a “piece of information” you need. 

Every person I work with knows something better than me. My job is to listen long enough to find it and use it.

(Jack Nichols)

Without well-honed listening skills, personal achievement and success are confined to the commonplace. Only when good listening becomes a habit will anyone become extraordinary.

Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk.

(Doug Larson)



“Listening: Can Ability be Improved”, Journal of Applied Business Research, Vol.6 No.1

“Listening Myths and Misconceptions”, Skills You Need

“Barriers to Effective Listening”, Skills You Need

“Lines of Communication”, Manufacturing Leadership Certificate Program

“Book of Famous Quotes”, < >

Image by Ambro at

3 Actions That Turbo-Charge Your Life

Written by Les Dahl on May 5th, 2016. Posted in Peace, Sage's Scroll

Balance on Rock


document.write(" palatino, serif; font-size: 20px;">F-E-A-R has two meanings:

'Forget Everything And Run'


'Face Everything And Rise.'

The choice is yours.”

Zig Ziglar


The desire to be powerful—to overcome fear—is embedded deep in the human soul. Made in our Creator's image, we are gifted with power—the capacity to responsibly manage the earth and to creatively resolve personal issues.

Personal empowerment is like a flame. The embers of its fire must be fanned and kept ablaze. Like a seed, it must be nurtured if we would taste its satisfying fruit.


3 Turbo-Charging Actions That Empower



1. Tweak - “improve by making fine adjustments”


Personal empowerment rests on health, work-life balance and relationships. Without proper attention to these, our power to deal effectively with situations and people is compromised. The capacity to make transforming choices is not achieved by overhauling but by tweaking.


Small steps made consistently form new habits,

and new habits change old outcomes.


Instead of a crash diet to improve health, replace just one bad eating habit. A healthy lifestyle is exactly that, a style of living that is cultivated over time.

Similarly, just one “fine adjustment” to priorities at work (or at home) can dispel unnecessary stress.

Something as simple as smiling, listening attentively, or saying “thank you” can transform relationships.


2. Retool - “adapt or alter to make more useful or suitable”


The measure of personal empowerment is affected by character and personality.

Character is your personal brand. It is who you are and what you stand for defined by your values.

Personality is how you market yourself. It is how you represent yourself as you interact with others, the image you create by which you are identified.


When failure erodes self-confidence,

step back, identify the defect, and retool.


A flaw or a quirk can sabotage your success, undermine your resolve, jeopardize your command of situations and tarnish your relationships. Continual failure erodes self-confidence.


3. Re-calibrate - “adjust points of reference to take external factors into account”


To maintain optimum power, goals, perspective and attitude must be re-evaluated regularly and re-calibrated as necessary. The standard by which progress is measured and the points of reference by which our course is charted must come under the scrutiny.

  1. Does my standard truly reflect who I am becoming?
  2. Do my points of reference keep me on track?



Circumstances are designed to produce two outcomes.

(1) Experience which makes us wiser and stronger. Wiser—we don't keep making the same mistakes because we learn from them. Stronger because we've been there, done that, so let's move on to the next level.

(2) Clarity to see things as they really are. With distractions removed, we can see where we are heading and make the necessary adjustments to get there.

Jamaican reggae icon Jimmy Cliff says it well.


I can see clearly now the rain is gone.
I can see all obstacles in my way.
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.
It's gonna be a bright , bright sunshiny day.”



Under the pressures of work and of personal responsibilities we easily lose sight of the bigger picture. At work, our engaging tasks demand intense focus while at home, children and spouse demand consuming attention.

Exhausted and frustrated, we blame our family for our less-than-satisfactory performance at work, and we blame our job for the hopelessly dysfunctional performance at home.

The discontent brewing within will destroy us if we don't take external factors into account, and make some necessary adjustments in perspective. Empowerment comes with a broad, positive perspective of work and home.


Oh, yes I can make it now the pain is gone.
All of the bad feelings have disappeared.
Here is that rainbow I've been praying for.
It's gonna be a bright, bright sunshiny day.”



Sometimes when we're going through hell, the ONLY thing we can control is our attitude—the way we think or feel about the situation.

When conditions are dark and overwhelming is not the time to think about goals. In that state, positive perspective is overshadowed by the encroaching storm. And I can tell you, there will be times when the storm is a Category 5 Hurricane.

Our experience of Hurricane Gilbert in 1988, left us with a sober regard for one the most devastating forces of nature. There is absolutely nothing you can do but wait it out and pray!

We have since gone through personal situations that rank Category 5. It has taken several years to recover from one such devastation. (I still have mental, emotional and spiritual scars from it!)


You might be saying at this point, “Wow. I'm not so sure I can do all that personal empowerment stuff. If only there was an app.”

Well, there's something even simpler and better than an app, and it's already embedded in you.

Say what?”

That's right...simpler and better than an app...Your tongue!

The simplest, quickest and most effective way to tweak, retool and re-calibrate your life into turbocharge mode is to


(1) Speak positively about yourself as you acknowledge your strengths and weakness (which will in time also transform into strengths). Research shows that a person's self-image is affected by the words used to talk about themselves.


(2) Use active words, especially about the future. Replace “I'm gonna try my best...” with “I will complete this task and I will do my best!”


(3) Most importantly, define your own space and your own identity with your own power words.


Failing in this, you relinquish personal power to others. They will clip your wings and confine you to a box, their box.


I urge you, don't scratch in the dirt with the chickens. You were born to rise above the ordinary. Soar in the skies with the eagles. No limits!




Winning the Lottery or Paralyzing Accident—Which ‘Test’ Would You Choose?

Written by Les Dahl on April 25th, 2016. Posted in Peace, Sage's Scroll




document.write(" geneva, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">None of us knows what lies ahead. Of this we can be sure, however, we will be tested.

Some 'tests' are quick 'pop quizzes'—unexpected, easily passed, designed to let us know if we are learning life's lessons or not. Failure is readily remedied.

Others are like college exams that determine whether or not we qualify for our degree. These tests have serious consequence—they either make us or break us.


The two men in our story were severely tested.

But before we cast judgement to condemn the one for his failure and exonerate the other for his valor, let us imagine ourselves (as best we can) in their shoes and ask, Would I pass their test?


The first, after losing several jobs (through no fault of his own), found a job stocking shelves at a Home Depot. A loving husband and a good father, he worked hard to provide for his wife and three children. Every Sunday he took his family to church. Through the struggle and sacrifice, he pressed on hoping for his big break.

Then one day his number was called. He held the winning lottery ticket. Thirty-one million dollars! Distributed in cheques of $1.24 million annually over twenty-five years! Some who knew him said it was just reward for his years diligence and hardship.

With his first cheque the young man bought a ranch and horses—a boyhood dream. He established a college fund for his children's future. He bought homes for various family members and donated money to his church. He was financially set to live the life of his dreams.


The second man, born into a wealthy New York family, had life served to him on a silver platter. While attending the best Ivy League schools, he enjoyed the high life. He toured Europe as a skilled equestrian. As an aspiring actor, this young man searched for his big break in the movies.

Then one day his number was called. He landed a leading role in what would eventually become a Hollywood blockbuster movie.

Overnight the young man became a big-name celebrity earning millions of dollars. He spent his fortune on spacious houses, fancy cars, extravagant parties and his passion for riding. He, too, had stepped into the life of his dreams.


Then the unbelievable and bizarre occurred.


In May of 1999, just two years after winning the lottery, Billie Harrell of Houston, Texas, locked himself in his bedroom, leaned his chest to the barrel of his shotgun and shot himself.

A close friend reported Harrell as saying, “winning the lottery was the worst thing that ever happened to me.”


In 1995, Christopher Reeves (the original Superman) fell from his horse during an equestrian competition. His horse balked at a simple jump sending his rider head first over the barrier.

As all riders, Reeves was well-trained how to fall to minimize injury. But with his hands tangled in the reins, he was unable to use his arms to break his fall. Reeves' 6 foot 4 inch 210 pound body landed on his head with such impact that the top two vertebrae shattered, severing his head from the spinal cord. Doctors declared it a miracle that Reeves survived the hangman's fracture.

Alone in the hospital, in intensive care, unable to breathe without a respirator and completely immobile, the crushing weight of his injury was unbearable.


Like Billie Harrell, Christopher Reeves stared suicide in the face.


Reeves wrote, “It dawned on me that I was going to be a huge burden to everybody, that I had ruined my life and everybody else's. My role as a husband and the father of three children would be severely compromised, because paralysis had suddenly transformed me into a forty-two-year-old infant. I thought it would be selfish and unfair to remain alive.

Turning to his wife Dana, he mouthed his morbid thoughts and feelings, “Maybe we should let me go.”


His wife's knelt by his bedside, gazed into her husband's soul and said, "You're still you, and I love you."

Her words spoke life and light into Reeve's despair. The power of death was broken.


Sobering stories from which I take these five lessons.


1. Money—whether the abundance or the lack of it—does not determine quality of life nor does it guarantee happiness.

Either we learn to master it, or it will master us—no matter how much we have or don't have.

I have learned to be content, regardless of my circumstances, whether in plenty or in want, whether in abundance or in need.” (The Apostle Paul writing to the Philippian believers.)


2. You are still you.

Hidden deep within is who we really are, and that is shaped by our choosing.

“In 2002, seven years after the accident and in the year of my fiftieth birthday, I look back with almost indescribable gratitude at the moment when Dana knelt by my bedside and said, "You're still you, and I love you."”


3. Life—regardless of circumstances—is worth living.

“Dana's intuition about what my state of mind would be two years after the accident proved to be absolutely right: I was glad to be alive, not out of obligation to others, but because life was worth living.”


4. Relationships matter most—they are the safety net that pulls us through when the bottom drops out.

“When a catastrophe happens it's easy to feel so sorry for yourself that you can't even see anybody around you. But the way out is through your relationships. The way out of that misery or obsession is to focus more on what your little boy needs or what your teenagers need or what other people around you need. It's very hard to do, and often you have to force yourself.”


5. Negativity destroys, steals and kills—guard against and avoid it at all costs.

"Not letting negativity get the upper hand is really, really critical. Not only to your mental outlook, but literally to your physical health, because if negativity's allowed to fester, it causes health problems."

"I have moments of anger. But am I in despair about it? No, I'm not. Despair is a very bleak word." When he feels frustrated, he says, he turns his attention to his family, or to the numerous projects he's immersed in. (The Guardian)


Life will test us. The stories of Billie Harrell and Christopher Reeves hint of some of the topics on the exam. I am determined to prepare.


Are you ready for your exams?