Posts Tagged ‘respect’

3 Surprising Reasons You Need To Learn To Listen

Written by Les Dahl on June 15th, 2016. Posted in Sage's Scroll

 

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After an intensive 2-month study, Professor Paul Rankin of Ohio State University reported that 70% of the waking day involved interpersonal communication.

Of that chunk of time,

  • 45% was spent listening
  • 30% involved speaking
  • 16% was engaged in writing
  • 9% was occupied reading. 

That was 1939 and those were college students. Has much changed since then?

Despite the explosion of technology and information, human nature and the basic human needs have changed very little, if at all. Communication is still a major part of our life and listening remains the cornerstone. 

The often-touted benefits of listening are:

  • builds relationships
  • reduces mistakes and misunderstandings
  • resolves conflicts
  • less wasted time
  • saves money.

Those are plausible results, but consider these “surprising” benefits.

 

1.  Good listening habits earn respect

A sure way to gain respect is to be a good listener. By listening attentively, genuinely and consistently, you show you value people. In return, they will respect you, pay attention when you have something to say, welcome your ideas and look for your feedback.

"One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.”

(Bryant H. McGill)

 

 

2.  With good listening habits you understand

“Faking attention” as one of the worst and most frequently deployed listening habits. Sometimes it is intentional—we’re simply bored. At other times, our mind ‘plays tricks’.

Researchers say our brains are capable of processing 500 words per minute. We can communicate at 250 words per minute. (The average is between 150-200 words.)

Imagine this scenario.

You are in a conversation with a friend. You’re excited about the topic and talking at full speed—250 wpm (words per minute).

They seem to be listening, but something does’t feel right.

Reality check. Your friend’s mind is racing at somewhere between 400 - 500 wpm. You’re speaking at 250 wpm. What do you suppose their mind is doing with the ‘empty mental space’?

That’s right. It’s wandering into daydreams or wrestling with worries lurking in the shadow of their mental landscape. How much do they actually hear? and understand?

Hearing is easy, listening is hard work. Few people refine their listening skills to not only hear but actually understand what is being said. This select few are successful. 

The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.

(Dr. Ralph Nichols)

 

 

3.  With good listening habits you learn

(a) You learn things about people.

Knowing about human nature and behavior helps you navigate around hidden shoals—weaknesses, character flaws, personality quirks—that can shipwreck friendship. You learn where open channels of communication flow and move relationships forward.  You learn where and how to ‘dock’ your ideas—say what you really want to say without being misunderstood.

Armed with this knowledge, you communicate with greater success. You don’t take everything personally. You hear people out. You even learn how to agree to disagree.

A good listener tries to understand what the other person is saying. In the end he may disagree sharply, but because he disagrees, he wants to know exactly what it is he is disagreeing with.

(Kenneth A. Wells)

 

(b) You learn how the people think.

As you listen, you learn how your friend thinks. It’s like discovering their operating system—Windows 10 or MacAir.

Once you know how their mind is programmed, you can ‘synchronize’ your interaction, make necessary adjustments and communicate in a ‘compatible format’. The results are positive and rewarding. 

Listening well and answering well is one of the greatest perfections that can be obtained in conversation.

(Francois De La Rochefoucauld)

 

(c) You gain knowledge you didn’t have before.

Useful bits of information and nuggets of wisdom are gained with keen listening. Sometimes these gems are hidden in people you least expect. Never underestimate anyone. The janitor or the waitress may have a “piece of information” you need. 

Every person I work with knows something better than me. My job is to listen long enough to find it and use it.

(Jack Nichols)

Without well-honed listening skills, personal achievement and success are confined to the commonplace. Only when good listening becomes a habit will anyone become extraordinary.

Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk.

(Doug Larson)

Shalom

Sources

“Listening: Can Ability be Improved”, Journal of Applied Business Research, Vol.6 No.1

“Listening Myths and Misconceptions”, Skills You Need

“Barriers to Effective Listening”, Skills You Need

“Lines of Communication”, Manufacturing Leadership Certificate Program

“Book of Famous Quotes”, < http://www.famous-quotes.com/topic.php?tid=712 >

Image by Ambro at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Which of these 5 core values define you?

Written by Les Dahl on April 4th, 2016. Posted in Peace, Sage's Scroll

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document.write(" geneva, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">The Greek philosopher Thales was asked what is the most difficult thing.

To know yourself,” was his reply.

 

Perhaps that is why few of us look at ourselves in the mirror and ask, “Who am I?” It's a difficult question to answer.

 

We say, “I'm a teacher.” or “I'm a stay-at-home mom.” But that is what we do, not who we are.

 

Who we are is not so much about what we do

but rather why and how we do it.

 

Values filter our responses and attitudes. 'Go-to' favorites emerge as core values. Through habit, these become deeply embedded standards by which we measure our life. Reactions and impulses that seem natural and involuntary reflect our core values.

 

Clearly defined core values keep us balanced and on track. Without them, we are like a nuclear reactor whose malfunctioning core cannot control the reactions and the energy (heat) produced by circumstances. The potential result is a Chernobyl disaster.

 

An extensive list of values is not particularly helpful; in fact, it's overwhelming. Five carefully selected values can bring clarity and provide a solid base on which to build a meaningful life.

 

Why 5 instead of 10 or 15?

 

  • Diligently creating a habit with just a few qualities is far more effective than trying to manage too many. It's like walking—one step at a time. Or like building—one brick at a time.
  • When David faced Goliath, he gathered 5 stones. Someone has said, 1 for Goliath and 4 more to fell each of his brothers! I like that pre-emptive thought.

 

My 5 core values are the weapons

that conquer every giant

that taunts and intimidates me.

 

  • Core values are of greatest effect when inter-woven, inter-active and operating in balance. They bring stability and create the fabric of my being.

 

 

The 5 core values I choose to define myself

 

 

  • I am industrious.

 

I work hard, I work smart, I work with enthusiasm.

When I have a job to do, a task to accomplish, or an assignment to complete, I am fully engaged, totally focused and completely absorbed.

But I am not a workaholic. I choose to be master not slave of my work.

Work, even hard work, is just work, often better done by a robot or a machine.

But...

 

Human energy, dedication and drive

elevate work to the glorious purpose 

for which it was entrusted to humankind

by their Creator.

 

 

  • I am self-reliant.

 

I accept full responsibility for my life. No one else is to blame for who I am, what I do or how I live. I am the product of my own choices, made of my own free will.

 

Yet I am not independent. My most successful and productive choices are made...

  • when I heed the sound advice of my elders and mentors,
  • when I consider the feedback of friends and peers,
  • when I stop to help others along the way, particularly the generation that follows me,
  • when I am interdependent.

 

 

I am who I am today,

having climbed on many a broad shoulder

pulled up by many a helping hand.

 

 

  • I am a man of integrity.

 

Aiming for complete harmony in what I think, say and do, I strive to be honest, transparent and trustworthy—a man of my word.

My moral code is positive and simple with lots of freedom for creative expression:

  • Love the Lord my God with all my heart, all my soul, all my strength (resources) and all my mind,
  • Love my neighbor (fellow human beings) as I love myself,
  • Love justice (standing up and speaking out for what is right) and mercy (compassion) as I walk humbly with my God.

 

 

I do not compare myself to anyone else,

for in the end I answer to God for

how well I lived, loved and mattered.

 

 

  • I respect the thoughts, feelings, wishes, rights and property of others.

 

If it is true that each of us is created in the image and likeness of our Creator, then there must be a measure of goodness in every human being. The image of our Creator is simply a little more tarnished, the likeness a little more distorted, in some than others.

Jesus looked beyond the faults of even the worst sinners to perceive the creative destiny hidden in each fragmented life. I am learning to do the same.

 

 

Respect moves me to accept each in his own right,

and stand up for those too weak or too afraid

to defend themselves.

I cannot in good conscience live only for myself.

 

 

  • My love springs from deep gratitude.

 

My relationship with God is not distant nor religious. Ours is a vibrant Father-son love that grows daily as we share life together.

There are many, especially my family, who have enriched me. Therefore, I value each person I meet. Every encounter is an opportunity to bless and be blessed, to give and to receive.

Who can know how many angels I've entertained in these 'chance encounters'?

 

 

Beyond the many hardships,

there is a certain beauty and joy in living.

 

 

George Bernard Shaw said,

Life isn't about finding yourself; Life is about creating yourself.”

 

Core values determine the life you create.

Choose them carefully, you are a masterpiece in progress.

 

St. Francis of Assisi says it well in his prayer.

 

"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.


O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life."

 

Shalom

7 VALUES CHILDREN MUST LEARN TO LIVE WELL

Written by Les Dahl on July 31st, 2015. Posted in Education, Family, Learning Solutions

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document.write(" geneva, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">Educating our children must go beyond academics. Helping children acquire and practice right moral values is critical. The well-being of a community and a nation depends on it. Holistic development of children is the mandate of parents, care-givers and teachers.

Without sound moral values, children have no basis on which to make good choices. Moral values are guideposts pointing the right direction. They help children appropriately apply what they are learning to situations of real life.

Without positive moral guidance children become self-inflated and self-absorbed individuals with a gorilla-sized attitude of entitlement. They have little regard for, nor interest in, others except for personal gain. Only solid moral values rescue such from their illusionary, self-created universe.

 

How Can Values Be Cultivated In Children?

 

 

Phase 1: Teach

Values are 'seeds' that must be sown into the minds of children. They must be taught the concept (e.g. respect) clearly so they know what is expected of them. Relevance is established as children are shown clearly how the value (e.g. respect) is applied in their real-life experience. Role play followed by discussion can help clarify relevance and context.

 

Phase 2: Talk

Once a value is 'planted', it must be nurtured. This is accomplished as a vocabulary is developed around the value. For example, as respect is introduced, children must hear and use the word, its synonyms and words related to respect often (within reason, of course) throughout succeeding days. The objective is to establish a consciousness of respect, which in turn embeds thought patterns of respect which eventually become the paradigm by which children make choices and by which they interact with one another.

 

Phase 3: Walk

In this phase children “walk the talk” with the help of parent, care-giver or teacher. As a child demonstrates inappropriate behavior, the following three steps help get them back on track. The focus of intervention is restorative rather than punitive.

 

1. Facilitate clarity.

(a) Ask leading questions that help the child identify exactly what was wrong about their behavior. The issue cannot be resolved if the child cannot identify and name the inappropriate behavior.

(b) Guide the child to understand (i.e. identify and name) what would be appropriate behavior in the given situation.

(c) Explore several appropriate behaviors and the outcome each would produce. It is important for the child to see that more than one option provides appropriate behavior. They must see that their power of choice determines the outcome.

 

2. Help the child own their inappropriate behavior.

As long as the child makes excuses and blames someone or something other than him/herself, the issue cannot be resolved and he/she cannot move on.

(a) Help the child admit they were wrong. e.g. “I was disrespectful when I called Amy a name that hurt her feelings.”

(b) Help the child apologize appropriately. e.g. “I'm sorry for calling you a name that hurt your feelings.” The issue is not resolved with a vague “I'm sorry.” Help the child be specific in naming the wrong.

(c) Help the offended child express forgiveness. e.g. “I forgive you, Amy.” Saying the name tags the forgiveness precisely. It releases the offender to get up from her mistake and empowers her to move forward with a new level of respect—for herself and for others.

(d) Have persons involved in the incident promise they will help each other behave appropriately. We need each other to become the persons we want to be.

 

3. The goal: children making values-based choices and resolving personal conflicts using values-based strategies without adult intervention.

 

Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher said it well, We want a society where people are free to make choices, to make mistakes, to be generous and compassionate. This is what we mean by a moral society; not a society where the State is responsible for everything, and no one is responsible for the State.”

Whether by spontaneous, one-on-one mentoring or structured class/group discussion, children will embrace moral values that shape their character and conduct. They will become the kind of adults who make a difference in their community and in their nation.

 

7  Values That Help Children Live Wel

 

Of all the values (one list had 225 entries!), the following seven make a good starting point.

  • Respect: proper regard for the thoughts, feelings, wishes, rights and property of others
  • Honesty: sincere, genuine, truthful yet tactful, without deceit or hidden agenda
  • Forgiveness: ready and willing to forgive out of understanding and compassion .
  • Trust: firmly believing someone is reliable and free from suspicion and doubt
  • Patience: tolerating delay, problems or interruptions without becoming annoyed or anxious.
  • Gratitude: being thankful, ready to show appreciation and to return kindness.
  • Love: showing understanding and compassion; ready to sacrifice for the benefit and empowerment of others.

 

Children groomed in these values are equipped to live well. They benefit their family, community and nation. Where children grow with these qualities of character, there is hope.

Shalom!